Come To Me (What did Jesus Mean by these Words?)

Over two months ago, August 12th, while preparing for the day, I was overwhelmed by all the tasks needing completion within the next three days. Consequently, I found myself crying out to God--Lord help me!

Moments later, before getting dressed, I glanced at my phone and saw it--a missed call from my sister at 7:00 A.M.? Sis rarely called except to discuss Mom's heath or issues concerning the nursing home that had been Mom's home for the last year.

When I returned her call, Kenny, my brother-in-law, answered. I was expecting to hear Mom was ill--not that she had passed away in her sleep. I quickly donned my clothes and headed to the nursing home. I had anticipated (off and on) such a call for the last several months--but not today.

Several months ago I had reflected on who would conduct Mom's funeral when the time came. I came to the stark conclusion that no one knew Mom better than me. In addition, I knew she wanted me to do it; of course, she wouldn't ask, not wanting to lay such a heavy burden on me.

While traveling to the nursing home, thoughts flooded my mind--would my siblings have a problem with me conducing the funeral, what Bible passage would I use, how could I find the time with all the other obligations facing me? I guess, out of frustration, I cried out to God, "So this is the help I get--my mom dies."

I then found myself waiting for the traffic light to turn green. Just a few minutes earlier I heard a ding alerting me of a text message on my phone, so I checked it. I was expecting something from one of my brothers, not from my son's baseball coach at Grace Baptist. It was the coach's daily text message with a Bible verse for the day (something he began doing several months ago). He was faithful to send one out to players and parents every morning. But this morning was different. These verses were meant for me. They rescued me. They reassured me. They reconnected me. They were the words of Matthew 11:28-30ESV. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Exactly what I needed--rest for my soul! They reminded me of who's in charge. They reminded me that I have an all-powerful, all-sufficient Savior. They reminded me that I have a helper at my side. They reminded me that I can do all things through him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13ESV).

All I had to do was come to Him, to focus on Him, to look to Him, and trust in Him. Sadly, the busyness of life can squeeze itself in between us and God. Don't let it! Go to Him when life turns your life upside down. Reflect on His Words. Only in Jesus can we can find the peace of God, a peace that defies rational explanation. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33ESV).

The Power of Words

King Solomon once said, Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21ESV).

In the tongue and in the pen, we have the power to create or destroy. The real power, however, actually lies in the words created by them. We are made in the image of God, which means we have the ability to think, love, and--with our words--create. 

With hands, we can construct tools, machines, vehicles, and buildings out of the materials of this world, but with our words we can create something out of nothing. We can create good or evil. We can deceive or enlighten, form good or bad images of others, and give life or produce death and destruction. Our social environments are shaped by our words, whether it be hostile or hospitable. Wars are started by words and peace is established by words. With words Jesus raised the dead and with words King Herrod ordered the death of John the Baptist. With our words good marriages can be destroyed, dead marriages can be resurrected, and love can be restored. 

It is no wonder that Jesus said in Matthew 12:36-37ESV, I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, ³⁷ for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. 

What you say or write matters, so think long, think hard, and be sure of your words, for in your words reside the power of life and death. Those who speak or write out of ignorance, put others in peril. In Thomas Gray's poem, “Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College” (1742) he writes, Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise. But in most cases, ignorance is not bliss, for what you don't know can hurt you, and when you share your ignorance, it can hurt others. 

I was once a fan of Dear Abby years ago, but I now rarely read her column. I stopped reading her column for health reasons, it often caused my blood pressure to rise to an unsafe level. Her misinformation, or ignorance about so much, and the fact that she is read by so many, has no doubt directed many down dark and deadly alleys filled with ignorance and littered with misinformation, resulting in a cesspool of relationship carnage and moral wreckage. 

Despite my feelings, I recently gave in to temptation, and read her column. Maybe it was the word love. It could have been the word marriage. I'm not really sure what it was, but her article caught my attention, and consequently, I found myself reading it. 

While not all her advice is bad, sadly, much of it is, especially that which is birthed from the common, easy, self-indulgent, appeasement kind of philosophies that fill our social consciousness these days. The Bible warns us about the desires of the flesh. They are evil. Thus,  when counselors placate us, giving us permission to travel down our desired path, which is nothing more than a self-paved road of least resistance, it is often destructive to us and to many others along the way. 

In my position as pastor I often counsel couples having relationship problems. I don't do it for money. I do it because I love people. I do it because I love God. I do it because I know the pain and injury that a divorce or a miserable marriage can produce in couples and their children. Consequently, I choose my words of counsel carefully. People matter. Relationships matter. Our words matter. 

The Dear Abby article I read, gave some less-than-thoughtful advice to a man looking for support for his decision to divorce his wife. Her advice broke my heart and raised my blood pressure. The reader asked Dear Abby, Is it possible that people can just fall out of love with each other? The reader tells her that he's in a loveless marriage that has lasted twenty-one years and produced three children. He acknowledges that he and his wife no longer communicate and have little desire to be with one another. He shares that the reason for their present state was that they had pretty much neglected each other emotionally and physically. He further adds that they have not sought a marriage counselor because I just don't love my wife anymore, and I'm not saying this to be mean. It's just how I feel.

Her advice was a simple, neatly packaged thirty-seven word snippet that tells the reader to do what he already desires to do -- If you and your wife agree that there is nothing left for either of you, and marriage counseling won't fix the dysfunction in your relationship, then the logical next step would be an amicable separation or divorce. 

Her answer was most likely shaped by her lack of space, her lack of knowledge, and possibly by her acceptance of society's cure-all for troubled marriages--divorce. This much is certain, she has no business aiding in the demise of a marriage and the breakup of a family based on so little information from only one of the parties involved.  

She needs to restrict her advice to lesser, non-life changing, and future rearranging topics. Short columns are not suitable for addressing deep emotional needs, hurts, or confusion. Advice about whether to send written or email wedding invitations is one thing, but advice about how and when to dump your spouse, dissolve your marriage, and breakup your family is in a whole other category, one that should be left to marriage counselors or relationship therapists.

A truth that was missing in her advice is that marriages are not doomed by a lack of love, but rather by incorrect thinking about love. Most often it's our thinking that needs changing, not our marriage status. Just because the reader and his wife think there's nothing left for either of them in their marriage or that marriage counseling would not help, doesn't make it true. Emotions blind us to the truth. They often lie to us. This is why an outsider, someone unbiased, someone disconnected from the relationship--a marriage counselor--is needed to assist couples in obtaining a right and proper perspective about their marriages.

While we all have certain needs, both in and outside of our marriage, what we must guard against is applying incorrect thinking in our effort to meet our needs. It's very easy to slip into a totally or largely self-focused mindset, in which our life is completely wrapped up in the way we feel, and what we want at that particular moment. For instance, if our love life is unfulfilling, we begin searching for the solution. The social climate, which permeates Hollywood, the media, and the workplace, provides the obvious solution--the path most traveled--divorce. Divorce is portrayed as the cure-all for an unhappy marriage or unfulfilled life of a married person. At the same time, the social climate discounts or considers non-relevant such factors as the joys and special memories of the past, the children involved, financial consequences, relationships with in-laws, friends and extended family members. A counselor, not a columnist, can help clear our thinking and enable us to see the big picture. 

We live in a society. We are relational creatures. We are our brother's and sister's keeper. Unfortunately, this incorrect or wrong thinking about love and marriage often occurs when we lose perspective and see life as being all about us (sadly much of society sees wrong thinking as  right thinking).  

The lack of love in this marriage and in most other troubled marriages is not the main problem; the main problem is misconceptions about love. Love is a feeling that is created by actions. Contrary to modern folklore, there's no such thing as falling in or out of love. Plants don't just grow or die for no reason and neither does our love for someone. The reader recognized what caused the death of their love, but has chosen not to do anything about it, other than seek to dissolve the marriage. (Then again, he may not know what else to do, other than get a divorce).The problem, as he said himself, is that they had neglected their marriage. His biggest problem is his failure to apply critical thinking to his marriage, specifically the love issue. 

When I neglect my plant, its leaves wilt and its blooms droop. 

But if I begin watering it and fertilizing it, the almost dead, ugly plant suddenly springs back to life. Of course, I have to choose (love must be a choice first, and a feeling second) to love the plant enough to care for it and nurse it back to health.

If I neglect it long enough, the plant will die. But even should this happen, all is not lost. I still have two choices. I can either remove the pot (which represents our spouse) from my presence, or reseed the pot and grow a new plant (which represents our love). If in a marriage, the love has died, it can be reseeded, watered, given the warm of unconditional affection, and over time, new love spouts and rises from the ashes of the old love. The big difference between choosing a divorce or choosing to resurrect new love in a marriage is the lack of collateral damage. By resurrecting love, we and our children are spared the pain and injury of a divorce, finances are not adversely affected, society benefits, and God is glorified. 

Love is a always a choice and in more than one way. First, we see someone we're attracted to, so  we choose to approach them with words and actions we hope will convince them to go out with us. During our dates we choose to say things and perform actions we hope will appeal to them and please them. As a result, love flourishes and with this love comes a desire to do more pleasing and desirable things for them.

Second, during some part of the marriage what is known as love-fade happens. In the course of running the rat race and raising little rascals we often forget to water and nurture our love for one another. Our love fades or dies because we have stopped doing many of the things that promotes love growth, and then, as the fade increases, we choose to stop all acts of love, and may even choose to spray words and actions that kill what feelings still exist. 

Third, and most important of all, when the love has faded, or even died, we still have a choice. We can choose to revive or resurrect the love. In this case, our acts of love must come from a conscious, determined choice. We must choose to do what is needed, not because we are motivated by feelings, but because we want those feelings back, and the key to getting them back is actions -- loving actions, conscious actions. These acts are like love seeds placed in the life of our spouse, and watered and nurture by loving words and kind actions. 

In essence, we must go back to the beginning. We must re-date our spouse. Dating all over again can be a scary thing after being married for many years, but when you're doing it with the person who was once the love of your life, and can be again, it's not scary at all. 

A better answer for the man in the loveless marriage would be to give him words of hope. He and his wife need hope. When hope dies, we give up. When couples are given hope and help, they often make the right choices. They choose to change their words and their actions in order to resurrect their love.  

Resurrecting love is difficult, but not impossible. To resurrect the love of the past, one need only to have hope that it can occur, and a willingness to choose the path that produced it the first time around. And once it comes back, be sure to choose not to neglect it.